Poetry by Jeff Green


The Good Food Tour (of Umbleania)

by cricketjeff on November 21, 2009.  © Jeff Green, All rights reserved

In Umbleania by the Sea
They’re giving cake away for free
So tourists flock from all around
To see what flavours can be found

See disappointment on each face
Then murmurings about disgrace
The local taste is rarely shared
By those who visit unprepared

No chocolate or coffee cream
Or honeyed hazlenut supreme
Those treats are not as popular
As artichoke and caviare

Ingredients Umblanians used
Had foreign critics quite confused
The bean and toffee casserole
Was last described as “rather droll”

And porridge made from cabbage stalk
Aroused a lot of worried talk
With powdered yak to spread on bread
The sandwich trade is almost dead

The free cake stunt soon had to stop
The cookery was not the top
Five Michelin stars will never be
In Umbleania by the Sea

Author notes

If, despite these dire warnings you wish to visit Umbleania (the largest tropical island North of the Arctic circle) it is as well to train your palette in advance. Start with a week eating nothing but fish flakes and maple syrup, then move onto sweetened raw meat products.

If you catch the daily submarine from Las Vegas you should arrive just in time for the January octopus-ink-beer festival, a treat few would want to miss.