Triplet sonnet, now four ways, any preferences?
by cricketjeff on January 7, 2008. © Jeff Green, All rights reserved
1. With ordinarily rhyming “B” lines, save a final reprise.
An early night to rest my aching head.
I feel you lie beside me on my bed
And so I turn to loving you instead.
A night with you cures all that’s wrong with me.
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
And everything you do to me is right.
As long as you are there to hold me tight.
If you are there that’s all I want to see.
And all day long I work and think of you.
Of how I wish that I could be with you.
I would be feeling all the things you do.
You’re in my head, and that’s what sets me free.
Together is the only way to be.
As then there can be nothing wrong for me.
2. Standard refrain
An early night to rest my aching head.
I feel you lie beside me on my bed
And so I turn to loving you instead.
If I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
And everything you do to me is right.
As long as you are there to hold me tight.
If I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.
And all day long I work and think of you.
Of how I wish that I could be with you.
I would be feeling all the things you do.
If I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.
Together is the only way to be.
If I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.
2B. I read all three out loud (To Sue Cardwell we were busy marking the latest
rhyme contest) and decided to try one of the other closing lines as the
refrain, this version I feel changes the whole sense of the poem and is rather
good, what do you think?
An early night to rest my aching head.
I feel you lie beside me on my bed
And so I turn to loving you instead.
You’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
And everything you do to me is right.
As long as you are there to hold me tight.
You’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.
And all day long I work and think of you.
Of how I wish that I could be with you.
I would be feeling all the things you do.
You’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.
Together is the only way to be.
You’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.
3. Original “Jeff version”
An early night to rest my aching head.
I feel you lie beside me on my bed
And so I turn to loving you instead.
A night with you cures all that’s wrong with me.
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
And everything you do to me is right.
As long as you are there to hold me tight.
If I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.
And all day long I work and think of you.
Of how I wish that I could be with you.
I would be feeling all the things you do.
You’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.
Together is the only way to be.
As then there can be nothing wrong for me.
Author notes
I wrote the “3) Original Jeff version” above and posted it as http://
allpoetry.com/poem/3779048
Amera very kindly critiqued it as I asked her too as the best sonnetist I know.
She doesn’t like my nearly refrain and I can see what she means I just don’t
know which I prefer, I have therefore put the poem in three forms and if you
look at this I would be very grateful if you could tell me which of the three
works best for you. I have now added a fourth version but after re-re-reading
them all I like them in the order 3,2b,1,2 I really like the change in meaning
between numbers 3 and 2b. Several comments suggest what I want should be what
counts and I agree largely but I am genuinely interested in what other people
think.
Original motes…
I love triplets, I am learning to write sonnets. I have never seen a “triplet
sonnet” until now. A sonnet is three rhyming quatrains and a rhyming couplet,
all lines decasyllabic and ideally iambic. If that’s an acceptable description
then this is a sonnet.
Rhyming scheme AAAB CCCB DDDB BB In my triplets I like the last line of each
quatrain to be repeated or developed and I have repeated that here, don’t see
any reason why it can’t be done that way or with normal “B” rhymes.
Anyone like the idea? Anyone ever seen one before?
English