Triplet sonnet, now four ways, any preferences?
\nby cricketjeff on January 7, 2008.\u00a0 \u00a9 Jeff Green, All rights reserved
\n1. With ordinarily rhyming “B” lines, save a final reprise.<\/p>\n
An early night to rest my aching head.
\nI feel you lie beside me on my bed
\nAnd so I turn to loving you instead.
\nA night with you cures all that’s wrong with me.<\/p>\n
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
\nAnd everything you do to me is right.
\nAs long as you are there to hold me tight.
\nIf you are there that’s all I want to see.<\/p>\n
And all day long I work and think of you.
\nOf how I wish that I could be with you.
\nI would be feeling all the things you do.
\nYou’re in my head, and that’s what sets me free.<\/p>\n
Together is the only way to be.
\nAs then there can be nothing wrong for me.<\/p>\n
2. Standard refrain<\/p>\n
An early night to rest my aching head.
\nI feel you lie beside me on my bed
\nAnd so I turn to loving you instead.
\nIf I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
\nAnd everything you do to me is right.
\nAs long as you are there to hold me tight.
\nIf I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
And all day long I work and think of you.
\nOf how I wish that I could be with you.
\nI would be feeling all the things you do.
\nIf I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
Together is the only way to be.
\nIf I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
2B. I read all three out loud (To Sue Cardwell we were busy marking the latest
\nrhyme contest) and decided to try one of the other closing lines as the
\nrefrain, this version I feel changes the whole sense of the poem and is rather
\ngood, what do you think?<\/p>\n
An early night to rest my aching head.
\nI feel you lie beside me on my bed
\nAnd so I turn to loving you instead.
\nYou’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
\nAnd everything you do to me is right.
\nAs long as you are there to hold me tight.
\nYou’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
And all day long I work and think of you.
\nOf how I wish that I could be with you.
\nI would be feeling all the things you do.
\nYou’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
Together is the only way to be.
\nYou’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
3. Original “Jeff version”<\/p>\n
An early night to rest my aching head.
\nI feel you lie beside me on my bed
\nAnd so I turn to loving you instead.
\nA night with you cures all that’s wrong with me.<\/p>\n
You kiss me as you come to me each night.
\nAnd everything you do to me is right.
\nAs long as you are there to hold me tight.
\nIf I’m with you there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
And all day long I work and think of you.
\nOf how I wish that I could be with you.
\nI would be feeling all the things you do.
\nYou’re in my head, there’s nothing wrong with me.<\/p>\n
Together is the only way to be.
\nAs then there can be nothing wrong for me.<\/p>\n
Author notes
\nI wrote the “3) Original Jeff version” above and posted it as http:\/\/
\nallpoetry.com\/poem\/3779048
\nAmera very kindly critiqued it as I asked her too as the best sonnetist I know.
\nShe doesn’t like my nearly refrain and I can see what she means I just don’t
\nknow which I prefer, I have therefore put the poem in three forms and if you
\nlook at this I would be very grateful if you could tell me which of the three
\nworks best for you. I have now added a fourth version but after re-re-reading
\nthem all I like them in the order 3,2b,1,2 I really like the change in meaning
\nbetween numbers 3 and 2b. Several comments suggest what I want should be what
\ncounts and I agree largely but I am genuinely interested in what other people
\nthink.<\/p>\n
Original motes…
\nI love triplets, I am learning to write sonnets. I have never seen a “triplet
\nsonnet” until now. A sonnet is three rhyming quatrains and a rhyming couplet,
\nall lines decasyllabic and ideally iambic. If that’s an acceptable description
\nthen this is a sonnet.
\nRhyming scheme AAAB CCCB DDDB BB In my triplets I like the last line of each
\nquatrain to be repeated or developed and I have repeated that here, don’t see
\nany reason why it can’t be done that way or with normal “B” rhymes.
\nAnyone like the idea? Anyone ever seen one before?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Triplet sonnet, now four ways, any preferences? by cricketjeff on January 7, 2008.\u00a0 \u00a9 Jeff Green, All rights reserved 1. With ordinarily rhyming “B” lines, save a final reprise. An early night to rest my aching head. I feel you lie beside me on my bed And so I turn to loving you instead. A […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":9748,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-2243","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/2243","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2243"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/2243\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9265,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/2243\/revisions\/9265"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/9748"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2243"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}