Matilda’s Aunt, (A Cautionary Tale Retold)
\nby cricketjeff on May 20, 2012.\u00a0 \u00a9 Jeff Green, All rights reserved<\/p>\n
MATILDA’s aunt was such a bore
\nIt made one yawn and gnaw the floor,
\nShe worshipped truth to n-th degree
\nWhich brought Matilda misery.
\nThe few small lies she loved to tell
\nWere all that kept her from the Hell,
\nOf maiden aunts and West End plays
\nWhich seemed to last for days and days.<\/p>\n
Matilda loved both men and boys,
\nHer aunt ignored such earthly joys
\nAnd felt Matilda should stay chaste
\nUntil her charms had gone to waste.
\nHer niece was not the least inclined
\nTo see her chances undermined
\nAnd so began a short campaign
\nTo find a man to ease her strain.<\/p>\n
The Fire Brigade, you may recall,
\nRecruited men who were not small.
\nIn uniforms the like of which
\nHave caused most female hearts to twitch;
\nPerhaps, she thought, if brave young men
\nWould call, her Aunt would think again.
\nAnd so she hurried to the phone
\nThe moment she was left alone.<\/p>\n
She dialled with care, then screamed, with force,
\n“We’re doomed to die!”, it worked of course.
\nWithin the hour, or maybe two
\nThree dozen firemen formed a queue.
\nWith hoses poised and axes high
\nThese heroes let their passions fly!
\nThey soaked and smashed, they’d lives to save
\nAll well built men, so strong and brave.<\/p>\n
Matilda’s Aunt was unimpressed,
\nHer niece’s motives stayed unblessed.
\nInsurance meant there was no loss
\nBut still her Aunt was very cross
\nAnd when her ire had been expounded
\nShe told Matilda she was grounded,
\nNo Friday nights, no telephone,
\nShe’d have to spend a week alone.
\nSo when next day a fire took hold
\nMatilda did as she was told.<\/p>\n
She would not touch the phone despite
\nThe flames that shot into the night
\nAnd would not leave the house for fear
\nHer angry Aunt was waiting near
\nTo see Matilda disobey
\nAnd take more liberties away.
\nShe tried to shout but not one word
\nOf her distress was ever heard;
\nHer heartfelt pleas completely blocked
\nBy double glazing, doubly locked.<\/p>\n
Matilda’s Aunt came home that night
\nTo find a most distressing sight;
\nThe embers of her smouldering pile
\nHad not been house shaped for a while
\nAnd underneath the tragic crash
\nMatilda was reduced to ash.
\n\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 – – – – – – – – – –
\nIf you’re an Aunt you should take heed
\nAnd not repeat this dreadful deed —
\nA few white lies are not as bad
\nAs niece flamb\u00e9ed inside your pad!<\/p>\n
Author notes
\nI have attempted to use Belloc’s own formatting but Kevin’s site doesn’t think
\nI should so I have to put some plain text at the top to stop him wrecking
\neverything!<\/p>\n
MATILDA
\nWHO TOLD LIES, AND WAS BURNED TO DEATH
\nby: Hilaire Belloc (1870-1953)<\/p>\n
MATILDA told such Dreadful Lies,
\nIt made one Gasp and Stretch one’s Eyes;
\nHer Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,
\nHad kept a Strict Regard for Truth,
\nAttempted to Believe Matilda:
\nThe effort very nearly killed her,
\nAnd would have done so, had not She
\nDiscovered this Infirmity.
\nFor once, towards the Close of Day,
\nMatilda, growing tired of play,
\nAnd finding she was left alone,
\nWent tiptoe to the Telephone
\nAnd summoned the Immediate Aid
\nOf London’s Noble Fire-Brigade.
\nWithin an hour the Gallant Band
\nWere pouring in on every hand,
\nFrom Putney, Hackney Downs, and Bow.
\nWith Courage high and Hearts a-glow,
\nThey galloped, roaring through the Town,
\n‘Matilda’s House is Burning Down!’
\nInspired by British Cheers and Loud
\nProceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,
\nThey ran their ladders through a score
\nOf windows on the Ball Room Floor;
\nAnd took Peculiar Pains to Souse
\nThe Pictures up and down the House,
\nUntil Matilda’s Aunt succeeded
\nIn showing them they were not needed;
\nAnd even then she had to pay
\nTo get the Men to go away!<\/p>\n
It happened that a few Weeks later
\nHer Aunt was off to the Theatre
\nTo see that Interesting Play
\nThe Second Mrs. Tanqueray.
\nShe had refused to take her Niece
\nTo hear this Entertaining Piece:
\nA Deprivation Just and Wise
\nTo Punish her for Telling Lies.
\nThat Night a Fire did break out–
\nYou should have heard Matilda Shout!
\nYou should have heard her Scream and Bawl,
\nAnd throw the window up and call
\nTo People passing in the Street–
\n(The rapidly increasing Heat
\nEncouraging her to obtain
\nTheir confidence) — but all in vain!
\nFor every time she shouted ‘Fire!’
\nThey only answered ‘Little Liar!’
\nAnd therefore when her Aunt returned,
\nMatilda, and the House, were Burned.<\/p>\n
“Matilda” from Cautionary Tales. Hilaire Belloc. 1907.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Matilda’s Aunt, (A Cautionary Tale Retold) by cricketjeff on May 20, 2012.\u00a0 \u00a9 Jeff Green, All rights reserved MATILDA’s aunt was such a bore It made one yawn and gnaw the floor, She worshipped truth to n-th degree Which brought Matilda misery. The few small lies she loved to tell Were all that kept her […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":9728,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-5356","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/5356","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5356"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/5356\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6151,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/5356\/revisions\/6151"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/9728"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/nicewaistcoat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5356"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}